Friends of Webster

Like Landing on the Moon.

Just this afternoon, my wife sent me a series of text messages after viewing a story on CNN.

Go to CNN.com/Omg, it makes me want to cry/What did you say when the judge said you are a free man?/ “I felt like when they landed on the moon. We have touched down.”

I have always wanted to know how I would feel if, at age 26, I was vindicated. Legal experts say that it is too soon after the verdict. Soon, to those experts, is four years after the verdict. Four years seemed like 10-15 years for me and my family. I don’t really think about all of this stuff anymore. The anger is counter-productive and it is hard to focus on life when you are constantly thinking of the balance that it hangs in. Just yesterday, my boss asked me, “You should know soon, shouldn’t you?”

 I said, “About Lindsey’s Teach for America position? “About any acceptances to law schools?”

He said, “No Web, about your appeal to CAAF.” I couldn’t believe how far I had distanced myself from all of it. Until today, I have never thought of the sensation that I would feel after a moment like that. I had never even attempted to imagine what it felt like to win.  Today, it happened by accident because for some reason, I thought that she was talking about me. I thought that maybe, she knew something that I had yet to hear. Well, this is how it felt:

My tears welled up and my chest felt really tight. My ears warmed and for a second, I felt a taste of victory. I was speechless, happy, tired and just excited to be where I am in life, despite the setbacks that I have experienced.

It was seconds later that I acknowledged my misunderstanding and watched the corresponding video on CNN.com. I was so intrigued that a man with a 35 year fight for justice spoke so mercifully. He spoke without anger and with complete reverance toward God.

A co-worker saw those welled up tears and quickly shot me an email. She is one of the few people that can relate to my emotion. She sent me a verse out of PSALM 91:14-16:

14Because he has set his love upon Me, therefore will I deliver him; I will set him on high, because he knows and understands My name [has a personal knowledge of My mercy, love, and kindness–trusts and relies on Me, knowing I will never forsake him, no, never].

15He shall call upon Me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him.

16With long life will I satisfy him and show him My salvation.

As much as I try to conceal the importance of this pending decision, it means everything to me. My life won’t be any different, with or without vindication, at this point. It means everything to me because I should not have lost.  I don’t want a proverbial free ride from CAAF, I just want to be free. And if you think that just because I am not behind concrete walls, I shouldn’t care so much, I will have to disagree with you. I look forward to articulating what life is like carrying an undue burden that everyone can see.

But not for long…I am so tired of preparing for another devastating disappointment. I am tired of making contigency plans and preparing for a mediocre life of settling and just existing. From here on out, I will prepare for a life of victory. Thanks to my wife’s text messages, I have felt the euphoria of victory. I am never going to let it go.

December 17th, 2009 Posted by Web | Awaiting CAAF's Word | 3 comments